Kai Staats: writing

Mexican Farts

While typically light hearted, Carlos turned to me with his mother and sister remaining and said, “Kai. There is one word in Spanish that you must know. One word that is very important.” I responded, “Que?”. Carlos answered “Pedo”. “And what is ‘Pedo’?”

With a serious face Carlos stated, “Fart.” Of course we all laughed, but Carlos remained serious, “No Kai, you don’t understand.” Here he paused to regain a serious face, “My sister, her farts, they are very bad.”

Dania, 19, screamed, “No Carlos! They are not! Your’s are just as –”

Carlos, “Kai. One time, she was in the bathroom, making a shit. And I was in my bedroom. The door to the bathroom was shut. The door to my bedroom was shut. And I could still smell her. It was really bad.”

At this point, Dania was quite red in the face and emphatically denying the entire description. Finally, she turned to her mother who was laughing very hard and pleaded, “Momma! Momma! It’s not true!”

There was a moment’s hesitation, those seated at the table were quiet, and then Angelica burst into tears and exclaimed, “It’s true! It’s true! She smells very bad!”

I nearly fell from my chair! My stomach hurt from laughing so hard. We must have talked about farts in both English and Spanish for a good hour. It was the best meal I have had in Mexico yet!

By |2017-04-10T11:17:50-04:00January 13th, 2004|From the Road|0 Comments

Denver to D.C.

Incredible, surreal flight from Denver to Atlanta en route to D.C..

It seemed a dream as the sun set over a layer of rolling clouds beneath us. Brilliant orange, red, and dark blue with Venus against the higher region of the initial night sky. We dove through the clouds and were surrounded, the wing lamps pressing in vain against the thickness of the moisture.

When we broke beneath, the wave of tens of thousands of lights, set in islands of suburbia, flickered on and off almost in unison as the imposing trees passed between our seemingly steadfast plane and the rushing earth below.

At one moment, a street light bounded off hundreds of cars perfectly aligned in a lot, the wave of reflection tore across the windshields as though each of them had caught fire only to be extinguished again a micro-second later. I leaned forward and pressed my face against the oval window to see the very last row explode and then vanish.

By |2003-12-10T23:15:49-04:00December 10th, 2003|From the Road|0 Comments

Working in a Vacuum

Sometimes the funniest jokes are those that are closest to the truth. This story demonstrates with clarity how the inquisitive nature of the genius can leave the rest of us feeling … normal.

I had been on one of my lengthy road trips, meeting with YDL resellers and spreading the good word about Linux on PowerPCs. Upon my return to our offices in Loveland, Colorado, I was surprised to find the vacuum cleaner completely disassembled on the shipping table–more parts than I realized a vacuum contained.

Upon my inquiry, my shipping manager explained that one of our programmers was attempting to fix it. I immediately assumed that a wood screw had been pulled in at high velocity and embedded in the internal fan (as has happened once before … reminding me of photos of a blade of grass embedded in a fence post through the force of a Nebraska tornado).

But no, the reason for the investigation was simply, “Well, the suction got worse and worse and now it just won’t pick up any dirt up!”

I replied, “Did either of you try changing the bag?”

When a Macintosh dreams

When a Macintosh dreams … it is not unlike you.

It tires of working in a corporate cubicle
next to windows only painted blue.

It wants to make a change,
to build a life that is simple,
to strive for something new.

So when you put your Mac to sleep tonight,
know that it dreams too.

Copyright 2000 Kai Staats

(originally published as an ad for Yellow Dog Linux, product of Terra Soft Solutions, in MacDirectory, Issue 7, 2000)

By |2011-02-14T00:07:51-04:00July 14th, 2000|The Written|0 Comments

It’s got a Bug!

[At MacWorld NY ’99] we were there to witness the best story of them all. Our associate from Linuxcare was handing out Linuxcare lollipops (yes, ‘suckers’) which contained in the center real insects and on the surface of the candy the words, “We lick Linux bugs.” The lollipops were a hit–people loved them!

However, one woman grabbed a sucker but did not see the bug in the center. She proceeded to the Microsoft booth and having consumed the vast majority of the candy she removed it from her mouth only to find the bug staring back at her. She screamed so loud that she interrupted the Microsoft presentation. As well put by one of our associates, “If only she had yelled, ‘It’s got a bug!'”

the animal man

i dreamt i was no longer a machine,
no longer confined to regulations and these mechanical things,
no longer required to follow the strange rules i can not comprehend.

i dreamt i had senses
and a most powerful awareness
that even a master computer could not record.

i could smell the fragrance of a wild flower upon the wind,
the essence of one woman among a thousand filthy men,
and i could hear the fall of water at the river’s end.

my eyes were keen, focused on a world that was new.

it was with powerful legs that i ran.
my lungs knew nothing of pain.
my breath could not be heard.
the placement of my paws not traced
and when the mountains were conquered,
it was the desert through which i raced

but oh god, when i awoke,
i had lost my legs, my paws, my vision.
i was no longer the animal man,
only a human–an incapable, incurable joke.

again programmed by the alarm, wristwatch, and tv.
i have time as my director
and no time to be me.

i live according to mundane, routine tasks,
none of which are satisfying,
none of which do i enjoy —
not when compared
to running as the wolf
when i was just a boy.

oh god, when i awake again,
i want to be on a mountain top
only dreaming that i am a mechanical man.

© Kai Staats 1996

By |2012-01-26T13:25:18-04:00February 26th, 1996|Dreams|0 Comments

Israel

Foreign hands in distant lands,
begging forgiveness for what their ancestors have done.

Deep set eyes centered in traditional weave,
hidden features and dark skin perceived.

Who made the rules?
What god established the guides?

Who’s media controls what we see
when the bombs explode on our TV.

Wars over fertile soil in the name of heathen conversion, ancient tribes lost in misunderstood tradition. Green valleys and barren desert plateaus give rise to reforestation, agriculture, and snow. Mt. Herman in the distance displays its white fingers of sullen borders. Jordan and Israel at odds as the opposing General God gives misunderstood orders.

Distant lands held by foreign hands
in the name of protective interests and international affairs.

Collapse the diamond minds, dry the oil wells, and then who would care?

Oh, misunderstood Israel.

By |2017-04-10T11:17:50-04:00April 1st, 1995|The Written|0 Comments

The Worm and the Wall

Civil Engineers, blind to the designs they create. Road builders as minute as the worm eat so that they may move, moving in order to consume. They assist in the decay of fallen trees and the crumbling of stone, insuring that the life pulled from the earth to support the giant is returned; repaid in full an extended loan.

Cut into the earthen skin of a New Mexico plateau, Chaco Canyon was once the home of the Anasazi. Skilled laborers carved at the solid rock, forming vertical stair cases and footpaths hundreds of miles long in order to conduct centuries of trade and travel. Their walled ruins remain as a testimony to one of this continent’s most incredible civilizations.

We are so pleased with ourselves when our hands have created objects that survive a few hundred years, a millennia, or more. But the breath of two thousand degrees consumes road, humans, and their homes. The mountains that the flowing rivers of lava envision and rush to fulfill persist for millions of years after we are gone. Our feeble attempts at mourning for the dead will go unnoticed when the fossils of ancient life lie secure in their earthen bed.

I have seen walls that welcome the light of the desert, morning sun. I have been within buildings who’s baked clay and mortar kept prisoners from freezing; alive so that they could be slain the following day. I have placed my hand on the walls that felt the radiance of bullets whose projectile paths were stained with a human heart.

Some walls hold within.
Some walls hold out.
Others cannot bare
the burden we
place on
them
and
fall in doubt.

© Kai Staats 1994

By |2009-10-07T18:59:48-04:00November 27th, 1994|The Written|0 Comments

Borders

remain standing.
stay within the confined and uncomfortable space.

the one I feared most for his relentless battle cry of individuality without concern for those whom he battles.

the failure of my design.
i am now trapped inside my own strangling border.
I had merely intended to record my production.

i’d rather not get involved.
these people are haili and kicky.

those who remove the borders, cut down the barriers, topple the governments, preach to the mindful, and attempt to install a soul, a conscience.

dare to reach out and grab the knife, cut the border down, jam the droning machine that damns the futile attempts of the populous to remain individual and in power of their own lives.

turn the machine against those who installed its monitor gray eye.

the flight of ethiopians; their midnight swim to the anchor chain of the seabound vessel.
the naming of the battle their sister fights.

bring down what you know is wrong in hope of replacement by the right. without maps there could be no holy war. without borders there could be no conquering of territory or ownership of land.

god’s earth should not be divided into battling camps of raving fools.

© Kai Staats 1993

By |2017-04-10T11:17:50-04:00June 23rd, 1993|The Written|0 Comments

Articulate Aquatic

Intent on blue, hear only white. Feel the ground shake with the passing of the brown, gray, rolling brown and gray again. For days there is red, mountains liquefied at the source. It moves, shapes, carves, scrapes, and defines the valley of Deep Creek.

The racing water is a visual and auditory conglomerate as complex as the motion of the stones that it causes to collide. The music it generates is white, noise to some and a melody to others. White noise confusion. A constant wash that makes difficult hearing without raised voices. Small motions are lost in the wake of the large. The structural waves crumble and the entire mass of water rushes to the same goal.

The language of dolphins and whales: intricate, sensitive microphones scan for sounds the human ear cannot perceive. They amplify, rectify, verify, and qualify for the appetites of hungry scientists. The same patterns, the same intent, shifted into a different portion of the spectrum. The translation is justified as the means to communication. But how do we sound to them?

Within the rumble, the noise, the unbound frequencies, there is a communication seldom heard. Given a face, the creek smiles in its earthen bed, shaded by the aspen and fir high above the industrial wasteland. But the regiment of gravity is a relentless force and the motion is always down. The smile distorts; a frown intercedes. The course is altered, the bed filled with silt, the covalent bonds plugged with eager toxins.

If the creek were given hands, its multifold digits would draw a melody to touch the hearts of all that listen. With the voice of banshees, every stream on this continent would fill the air with pain. The greedy politicians, the avid industrialists, and those who just don’t give a damn would fall to the call of the sirens at sea, drowning in their own nuclear demise.

And if the creek had feet, and articulate legs whose muscles swirled with transparent sound, perhaps it would climb from the banks of its polluted channel to begin again on higher ground.

© Kai Staats 1993

By |2009-10-07T19:00:26-04:00June 2nd, 1993|The Written|0 Comments
Go to Top