About Kai Staats

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So far Kai Staats has created 551 blog entries.

An Afternoon Swim

Pulled into a corner gas station, not unlike the Circle-K at the intersection of McDowell and 7th Avenue in Phoenix. A young gas station attendant came out of the retail store front, greeting me and a few friends. He was light skinned with blond hair and glasses. An older, slightly chubby Harry Potter.

He walked toward the corner of the lot which had three or four slabs of new concrete, still grey and wet. He looked at the concrete pools, turned to us and said, “Watch this!”

Smiling, he jumped into the wet concrete, a good fifteen or twenty feet long and ten wide. He was treading, slowly, with his shoulders above the surface. Then he slowly sunk, still smiling, his arms at the surface at first, then no more. He chin, nose, glasses, and then finally nothing was left. He never struggled nor appeared afraid. We had all moved to the edge of the obviously very deep concrete pour, not certain what to make of this bizarre situation. A moment later his feet kicked through the surface, concrete splashing, and then he was gone.

We stood there, hands on thighs, watching, waiting … but he never came up again.

© Kai Staats 2007

By |2007-06-13T09:54:59-04:00June 13th, 2007|Dreams|0 Comments

Digital Transmigration

a – Hey, how are you?

b – Good, good thank you. You?

a – Yeah, I’m doing well, thanks. (pause) So how’s work?

b – Work? (pause) Yeah, it’s ok. No. No, it’s better than that –look, that’s why I asked you to come here. I’ve got something to talk to you about.

a – Shit, what happened this time? (smiling)

b – Nothing. Nothing, man. (looks down at the table, coils the drinking straw wrapper around his finger then unwinds it) Well, actually, something … something pretty big.

a – (casually) You in trouble?

b – No, it’s not like that. It’s not like anything I’ve done before.

a – So, fill me in. (smirking) Is it a new tech that looks really good in white?

b – (smiling, quickly returning to a serious gaze) No, more important than that.

a – More im–

b – Look, give me a second. Sorry. This is not easy to explain.

a – (surprised) Ok, you got it. I’m listening. (playing with the straw in his cola)

b – Follow me for a few moments and I will try to explain. This isn’t easy.

a – (nods)

b – This is a progression of my work on objective spacial orientation.

a – Of course. Your fascinati-, no obsession. What else? (rolling eyes)

b – (ignoring sarcastic comment, frustrated, raises voice mementarily) LOOK! JUST LIS- (pauses, lowers voice), Just listen to me. (looks around) Let’s go back to the basics. Ok?

a – (understanding the gravity of the situation, nods)

b – For any macro, meaning not subatomic nor fundamental object to move from point A to point B, it must travel through the physical space.

a – Of course. A basic set of calc equations can describe this motion.

b – Right. So, that motion from point A to point B takes the particle through a described distance and of equal importance, this motion requires a particular period of time depending upon its velocity.

a – Also well understood and describable.

b – Right. (impatient, nervous) Here me out.

a – Sorry.

b – It’s ok, I just have not yet tried to speak of this new, this new … I have not described it yet so it is not coming out real smooth like.

(takes a breath, looks at the table and back to

[a], then continues)

During the motion of the object, it may interact with any number of other objects in its path, affecting them in one way or another –but always affecting them in such a way that the path of the object, in theory, could be traced by its path of affects, like following the tracks of an animal on a sandy beach.

a – Right. But what if the object is moving through a vacuum?

b – Of course. Then it has an initial velocity, meaning direction and speed, and a terminus as defined by what it hits when it stops. And during its travel, its course of motion is always defined by its relation to its starting point, ending point, or any number of points between.

a – Correct. So —

b – So, the object’s place in its universe is object-centric. Where it is, where it is going, and how fast it is moving to get there are all described according to the other objects around it.

a – Right. But what do you mean by “object-centric”?

b – That we are describing the object’s properties according to those around it.

a – Well, how else would you describe it?

b – So that’s the crux, that’s why I am here talking to you.

a – (leands forward, arms resting on table) I’m listening.

b – What if the objects around the object d-e-f-i-n-e it, that is, what if they determine what and where that object is through a (pause), a sort of … mutual concensus.

a – Huh?

b – What if they “agree” to the properties of the object?

a – I was following you for a while. Basic macro physics. But you lost me.

b – I know, it still evades me. It’s really hard to describe. I can f-e-e-l it more so than describe it. Give me a moment (pauses, plays with drinking straw wrapper again). I think I –I know I discovered something pretty amazing. But it will sound crazy.

a – I would expect nothing less of you (smiling).

b – My research has shown that the position and definition of an object, macro or sub-atomic is not quite as rigid as we have assumed.

a – Rigid?

b – Yeah, rigid. Defined. Solid. Objects can migrate from point A to point C without passing through point B. In fact, without moving at all.

a – I don’t get it.

b – Take the motion we agree to, that which defines all objects in motion according to the basics of Newtonian mechanics and call it analog migration. Then consider the potential for an object to be at point A one moment and the very next moment, without passage of time, at point C.

a – Are you talking about the breakdown of Newtonian mechanics and subatomic particle creation?

b – No.

a – You lost me again.

b – Listen. I think I have discovered something really important. It seems that the objects around a particular object define its position through an agreement of sorts, a mapping of space and time. And if they all agree that the object is no longer at point A but instead at point C, the object can instantly be in the new location.

a – Objects agreeing?

b- (frustrated) Listen –no, look. Just watch. Watch the straw wrapper.

(And in that instant, the wrapper jumped two inches to the left of its original position without sliding nor moving nor through any assistance by [b] at all.)

a – (stunned, jumps back into his chair, holding the table at a distance) Jesus Chrst! (looking at [b], the table, the wrapper, and back to [b] again) Shit. What just– what did you jus– How the hell did you do that? What did you do?

b – I didn’t really _do_ anything. I just ‘suggested’ that the wrapper _be_ somewhere else. There were no objections. No one disagreed. And then it just transmigrated.

a – Who agreed? Transmi-whatrated? Who agreed?

b – Not “who”, but “what”. And yes, it t-r-a-n-s-migrated.

a – You’re scaring me (pause, laughs uncomfortably) Can you do that again?

(the wrapper instantly reappeared back in its original position)

a – (taking a deep breath) Oh god. Holy shit. (slapping his hands on the table) Ok. Ok. Wait. Ok. Shit.

b – (smiling, nervously)

a – Can you show me how to do that?

b – Not certain. I don’t even know how I do it. It just happened.

a – What do you mean it just happened. What just happened. Where you hit by lightening? Did aliens shove something up your ass? Did you discover some amazing drug or something? (grabbing his water glass) Did you drug me?

b – No, it just happened. About six months ago.

a – What just happened? Why did you wait six months to tell me? This is incredible!

b – Remember when we were kids and after seeing Star Wars, we would lie on our bed at night and try over and over and over again to make something on the other side of the room move, our arms outstretched and fingers trying to direct the force?

a – (laughing) Yeah. Wait, are you telling me you can use the force?

b – Sort of. Maybe. (tapping fingers on table) I’m not certain. I just never stopped trying. It’s sort of a meditation for me sometimes when I need to focus my mind. You know, to just focus on one thing and shut everything else out.

a – And it just worked?

b – Not at first. It’s a little strange, that is, to tell you how it happened.

a – It can’t be any more strange than what you have just shown me.

b – Right, ok. (obviously relieved to have made it this far) So I was sitting my bath tub and, well … I was trying to just make the nob on the end of the tub turn because the water was getting cold. But I was trying to do it with my mind.

a – And it worked?

b – I think so. I must have fallen asleep because all I know is that I awoke to the water nearly running over the edges of the tub, the overflow hole doing its best to drain the excess.

a – What if it was just your foot, or maybe you turned the knob in your sleep?

b – Yeah, I thought of that. Except that when I awoke, the knobs for the hot and cold water were reversed. And not just the knobs, but the plumbing too. Hot was cold and cold was hot.

a – What? Are you k-i-d-d-i-n-g? (scared look on his face)

b – No. I wish I was. It scared the shit out of me. I thought I was dreaming but I could not wake up. The bath tub is still like that, switched.

a – Shit.

(silence … both just looked at their hands, the table)

b – And it was only later that day that I realized I had fallen to sleep in the tub while trying to turn the hot water on with my mind … but I had also dreamt about a time when I was a kid, in a hotel room with my parents, and burnt myself because the hot and cold valves were backward. I was just a kid, but that taught me something really important –the rules can be broken.

a – So you’re saying you fell asleep trying to make the hot water turn on with your mind and awoke with the hot and cold valves replumbed?

b – Yeah, something like that.

a – I don’t really know what to do right now. I’m a little scared. I mean, I mean if I hadn’t seen what you just did I would think you were crazy. Actually, I still think you are crazy. But now I am feeling crazy too. This is, this is messed up. It just doesn’t make sense.

b – But it is beginning to.

a – Beginning to make sense?

b – Yeah, I think so. Look, if I didn’t have a strong background in mathematics and physics I would probably think my bathtub was haunted or that god had given me some gift. But that’s not it. I think this is really important.

a – (nodding) But how did you do it again? I mean without falling asleep in your bathtub? When was the next time?

b – It was another three months before it happened again. I was setting the table for dinner with Jennifer. I had just placed the wine glasses on the right side of the plates, the forks and knives and spoons in their respective places. I turned and walked back into the kitchen and was confused, not fully recalling if the wine glasses were suppose to go on the right or left. I decided that when I would return to the table I would switch the wine glasses to the other side.

a – And when you came back, they were already switched, right?

b – Yeah, exactly. I figured I was just tired, confused, or something. But then it started happening more and more often, eventually every day or so until it became something I could do intentionally.

a – Like with the wrapper.

b – Yes.

a – (shaking head)

b – So I took this to the lab and built a series of experiments to determine what exactly was happening. And the results were, well, useless. I can’t prove a thing, except that it just happens and I can do it over and over again except in one case.

a – What’s that?

b – If I don’t “believe” I can cause the object to digitally transmigrate.

a – You are saying this is a about will power?

b – Actually, it’s about acceptance.

a – I don’t get it.

b – If I try too hard, it doesn’t work. Just like when we were kids trying to move objects using the force. We strained, held our breath, used phrases from the movies –everything we could but it never worked. But in the bathtub, it happened after I fell asleep.

a – You think you are the only one?

b – No, this probably happens to a lot of people and the don’t know, or they write it off to forgetting where they put their keys, or they are locked away somewhere. (pausing) The scientific community has always assumed that to move an object from point A to point C requires energy. An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. Basic Newtonian mechanics.

a – Back to Newton again?

b – Yeah, back to Newton. So maybe we have all been trying too hard. Sending sub-atomic particles through accelerators at nearlythe speed of light and then colliding them into each other to see what comes from the resultant explosion.

a – What wrong with that?

b – Nothing, it accomplished what it should. But what if there is another way, another way to interact that requires little or nor energy at all? Instead, a simple acceptance of something, an agreement by all parties involved, and then it just is.

a – Who are these parties? You? The table?

b – Yes. Me. The table. Even you. We all expect the world to exist in a particular fashion, and so it does. But if we just expect it to exist in some other fashion, maybe it could. Instantly. There is no difference between that wrapper being there (pointing) or there. It’s the same number of molecules, same number of atoms. I am not asking for a change in anything but position. And it just happens.

a – This doesn’t make any sense. Can you prove it?

b – I think I just did.

a – No, you just proved that you are more closely related to the X-Men than your own mother. (pausing, looking at his hands) I don’t think the scientific community is ready for this. No way. They will lock you up.

b – I know. But I have to tell them. They need to know. This changes everything. Everything we are doing.

a – Oh Jesus, I want to be there when you do.

b – Good. I need support. And a good demonstration. (smiling)

© Kai Staats 2006

By |2017-04-10T11:17:49-04:00December 27th, 2006|Dreams|1 Comment

Christmas 2006

Friends, Family, & Foe Ho, ho, ho,

Twas the day before the night before Christmas,
and across the Navajo rez I sped.
My beloved Subaru injured,
my fuel economy dead.

On 3 cylinders I drove,
the number 2 spark plug lame;
sputtering from Moab to Phoenix
into the Staats family lane.

Grandpa, Grandma,
brother, mother, and dad;
the great dane so large
remaining asleep on her pad.

We talked, we laughed,
we cried a bit too,
for times were a chang’n
this family askew.

Grandpa’s got cancer,
my father a cold,
the dog’s farts smell someth’n aweful,
and I’m start’n to feel old.

After church services one, two, seems like four,
we prayed to God, “Please, no more!”
Stand up! Sit-down! Wake up! Sing that!
‘How do church-goers ever get so fat?’

I awoke this morning
to sleigh bells in the yard,
my father like his father
playing Santa too hard.

Dreams of robots and movie scripts,
sci-fi gravity tossed;
my shut-eye wonder land
disrupted and lost.

I walked from my brother’s house
to my parents’ next door.
My mother laughed at my hair;
then we gathered on the floor.

Magnets, tea,
books, licorice, and dice;
we exchanged boxes, opened stockings
everything so nice.

The dog now sports a bandana,
my grandfather new slippers and chair.
My mother a zippered sweater
and I an Oakley cap to wear.

The dog ran off
with a ribbon and nearly consumed a shoe,
my brother quickly scolded
for something he didn’t do.

Some things will never change
some things will be new.
Just glad to be with family
for this Christmas too.

w/Love,
kai

By |2024-11-28T23:46:56-04:00December 25th, 2006|From the Road|0 Comments

Ten Days on the San Juan

rowing In September, I was fortunate to have the opportunity to float the San Juan river which divides the Navajo Nation from Utah on the Arizona/Utah border. This Grand Canyon Field Institute and Wild Rivers Expeditions trip was lead by my favorite river guide Christa, 2 additional boatmen, and 7 passengers. A good group it was, gelling in a way that I have been told is less frequent than not. We all told stories, listened, and worked hard as we explored 87 miles of this muddy, brown stream.

art 1 art 2 art 3 art 4

It is hard to explain what I experienced, for it remains overwhelming to me even now. The knowledge shared between Christa, Taylor (the new co-owner of Wild Rivers) and Greg (a botanist and archaeologist) was astounding. While I did my best to absorb the information conveyed about the history of the people (from ancient native Americans to the Mormon settlers), the million years old rock formations, fossils, and the river itself, I must humbly admit that I remain completely ignorant.

rapids As an assistant in training to the crew, I was removed from the comfort of being an expert in my geek world, instead learning again how to do the simplest of tasks. Cutting vegetables, anchoring a boat with the bow line, even shitting in the out of doors (a task for which I would have claimed to be an expert prior to this trip) was given a new, strict, and valid set of rules.

camp fire I sat silent night after night in the kitchen and around the campfire, having little to contribute to the conversations. My favorite subjects of climbing and highspeed internode communication fabrics were utterly boring in comparison to discussion of the means by which people lived in that arid land, leaving just enough evidence for us to piece together a compelling story of who, why, and where they lived and died.

cliff dwelling I was brought to tears one afternoon as Christa told the Hopi creation story, while our dozen rested on a sandstone shelf beneath a several hundred (perhaps thousand) year old cliff dwelling. I hid behind my camera to mask the upwelling emotional invoked by the passion with which Christa sang, without instrument nor even melody.

It feels so good to be moved that way, for ultimately it is the stories of humans that humans remember most.

mellons trilobite ants & garnets boats poisonous flower
fossils hiking lichen petrified wood sand wafer after flood
stone sand stone wall tiny bubbles muddy foot camping at night

By |2019-02-18T01:30:48-04:00October 19th, 2006|At Home in the Southwest|0 Comments

Fiddler Through the Roof

This summer unfolded as yet another rollercoaster ride, remaining in one state seldom longer than a few weeks. I ventured to Arizona a few times to visit Christa and family, California two or three times (I can’t recall), Hawaii for twelve days, on the San Juan river in Utah for ten, back to Arizona for two weeks, and finally home a little over a week ago.

In the between time I removed the roof of my house, all four layers of cursed shingles stubbornly refusing to find refuge in the 30 cubic yard roll-away (filled twice). While I have always believed, and repeatedly heard that reshingling a house is a 4-day weekend job, mine was instead two months.

It seemed to be going smoothly, although slowly, until I received a phone call while at work from my friend Chris who is helping me with this project.

Chris said, “Hey man, how’s it going?”

“Well,” I responded, noticing a slight agitation in his voice.

“Yeah, well, (pause) we have problem. So, what’s the worst thing that could happen on this job?”

I replied, “You fell off the roof?”

“What’s the second worse thing that could happen?”

“You fell through the ceiling into my house?”

“No, man. (pause) Not me. Ricardo did. And he’s only been on the job for an hour so he feels really bad. Do you want me to fire him?” I said no, and could do nothing but laugh.

(two days later)
Another friend fell off the roof altogether.

(a few weeks thereafter, while on the road)
I learned the contractor hired to wrap up the shingles on the south side of my house chose to forgo placement of felt beneath the shingles. A few terse words and the shingles were removed, tar paper installed, and new shingles replaced.

Upon return from my trip, I entered my house and was overwhelmed by the smell of wet, century old paster. A tremendous amount of water had come through the opening we cut (but apparently did not seal) for the dormer, dropping a portion of the ceiling into my laundry room and raising the grain on my hardwood floor.

(a few weeks later)
With the onset of fall rain and first snow storms, I awoke to the sound of dripping water in my living room. At 1 am, I scrambled across the wet roof top without roof jack nor climbing harness, in T-shirt and underwear bottoms. I struggled with a bundle of shingles across my shoulders. I tackled the 40×30 tarp which had become a large kite in the midnight storm and secured the corners. The pools of water in my attic later absorbed by every bedsheet that I own, which in retrospect, is not very many.

Yesterday, finally, I was given temporary pleasure in my properly shingled and snow tight roof, including four new skylights (a fifth to be installed –some other time) … until I recalled that I have no insulation and have yet to complete the rewiring before I can sister the 2x4s with 2x6s and lay down a new floor. Needless to say, if I don’t get this done soon, it will be a very cold, lonely winter as Christa will likely retreat to her home in Flag where she does not have to wear long underwear and fleece nor see her breath in the frozen morning.

By |2006-10-19T03:17:26-04:00October 19th, 2006|At Home in the Rockies|1 Comment

The Storm

Yesterday I drove from Rifle, Colorado to Moab where it has been raining off/on for 3 days. In the low ’80s the temperature was fantastic and the rock surprisingly sticky. I climbed with 3 guys from Carolinas and the locals who came in droves from 6 till what I assume was 9 pm. Big Bend their local, outdoor gym.

I headed South at 8:30 that same night and was overwhelmed by the most magnificent electrical storm I have ever experienced. It extended from Monticello to Blanding, and nearly to Bluff. Heavy, thick, black clouds that threw bolts to the ground every 10-15 seconds, never more than 30 seconds without a series of flashes for a contiguous two hours. There were dozens of horizontal whips of electricity that shot from one prominent underpinning of a cloud to the next, the fire produced similar to that between two or three CDs placed in the microwave oven.

I celebrated my front row seat to this masterpiece with Vivaldi’s flute concertos. I pulled onto a gravel road and faced my car East into the panoramic heart of this living, breathing creature. I literally clapped at the finale of a burst of strikes on three sides of me and above at the same time. Secretly, I hoped it would strike me car just to see what it was like. But when one such bolt came far too close, that desire was satisfied.

At Bluff, I was on the edge of its unfolded wings, the moon breaking through the sharp border where the storm stopped and the clear night sky began. I slept in my car just between Bluff and Mexican Hat, on the pull-out to the road that winds up and up and up the cliff. I wanted to return to where we had camped before our float trip, high on the cliffs West and North of Bluff, but was concerned that if the storm made it this far South, I could find trouble on those dusty roads.

The storm lost its power in pursuit of me, but the memory of it will remain for a very long time.

By |2006-07-10T19:17:35-04:00July 10th, 2006|From the Road|0 Comments

Terra Soft Team Saves Apple CEO from Intel Factory Line

TERRA SOFT TEAM SAVES APPLE CEO FROM INTEL FACTORY LINE

LOVELAND, Colorado – 1 April 2006 – Terra Soft Solutions, the leadingdeveloper of integrated Power Architecture Linux solutions, in a bold reconnaissance mission last night rescued Steve Jobs from captivity.

Borrowing attack helicopters from a non-disclosed Department of Defense customer, Terra Soft used an RTOS version of Yellow Dog Linux running on Cell processors to fly a nightime sortie to the headquarters of the Intel Corporation.

Ben Ratliff, Terra Soft’s Operations Manager lead a nervous but highly determined team into the heart of Intel’s empire, and then into the depths of their Santa Clara facilities to retrieve Apple’s rightful CEO from his captor.

“In December of ’05 we received an email from a woman at Intel [whose identity remains confidential] wherein she claimed to have seen Steve Jobs working the evening production line shift. We at first assumed the communication was a hoax. But when a similar email arrived a week later from another source, and then in January a few more –we were compelled to investigate,” states Ratliff.

Terra Soft spent the better part of January, February, and March working to determine if there was truth in this otherwise impossible scenario.

Ratliff continues, “It was only when we received an unmarked Intel Apple laptop that the unbelievable was made painfully clear. Before we even powered-on the unit, we discovered written on the screen in what appeared to be streaks of sweat, the words, ‘LONG LIVE PPC!’ We immediately recognized the truth– Steve Jobs had been abducted and cloned. Apple was under the control of an impostor.”

“We have been working hard since this moment, planting spies, infiltrating servers, and planning for this monumental task. With help from sympathizers on the inside, we managed to save Steve and Apple from an otherwise certain demise,” Ratliff concludes.

Once free from the confines of his prison of nearly one year, Jobs wore a tattered blue assembly line uniform but appeared in good spirits as he offered, “I am grateful for Terra Soft’s courage in this rescue operation. I will this week announce the return of the full Apple product line to PowerPC. And as a demonstration of my gratitude to Terra Soft, replace OSX with YDL on all systems from here forward.”

By |2013-10-08T20:50:27-04:00April 1st, 2006|At Home in the Rockies|0 Comments

Hibernation

Standing outside an apartment. Low lying brick building with a large, black-top parking lot to its south side. Overhanging flat roof kept the sun from directly hitting the pane windows. Well lit, clean, but not new. A sense of disrepair but not uncomfortable. Perhaps a ’40s or ’50s construction. Stepping inside, the kitchen was open to the living room, literally defined by the West and partial North wall of cabinets and utilities. Against the South wall, beneath the window panes a green couch.

The apartment was company rented in conjunction with a new job I took. Not certain of the name nor nature of the company nor my role, but I was required to maintain two additional refrigerators to house what I believed to be biological samples.

There was also a large, above-the-counter oven or microwave (not certain), mounted to the wall, which did not retain a front door and housed a human form, crouched and folded into its interior, arms wrapped around the legs in a severly cramped embrace. An artistic endeavor more so than one of utilitarian intent. Perfectly smooth, white, and made from what appeared to be molded plastic. No fine details. No real sense of the underlying structure nor original master.

[I was confused if this appliance was already present and the body-form inserted or if the entire unit was new. An oddity I was willing, in this dream world, to overlook for the moment.]

There was a woman from the company who delivered the units and helped with the placement. I neither recall her face nor name. We organized the two refrigerators against the North wall, pleased with the balance of the units in relation to the cupboards to the left and doorway to the right which led to the rest of the apartment.

I do not recall living there, as even that first night I had an engagement, a meeting perhaps for I was running late and in a hurry. I searched for my keys, finally found them, and as I briskly walked through the kitchen/front-entry room I was caught by what I believed to be a change in the body-form in the oven. The face was no longer an amorphous contour of plastic, but much more human like. I looked twice as I could not fully recall how it seemed to have appeared before, nor even if it had truly changed. But now I recognized a hint of blue eyes and pale skin in place of opaque, white plastic. Troubled by my lack of recollection for what was and what is, I was convinced the twilight was casting shadows. I kept moving in order to make my meeting.

The next morning [I don’t think I slept in the apartment that night, not even certain it was for sleeping, perhaps just for work], I returned to the brightly lit front room and continued to unpack, organize, and clean. Something caught my eye behind. I crawled beneath the left and South most of the kitchen cabinetry, a counter propped not on solid cabinetry, but a legged stand perhaps designed as an eating nook for bar stools.

Pressed between the back of the closed cabinet which housed the sink and the West wall, I discovered a half-cardboard box (the kind used for presentation in warehouse style grocery stores) full of shrink-wrapped Asian pastries. I was thrilled to find my favorite red bean cakes wrapped in sweet, white rice dough with a light powder coating. I simultaneously learned about the previous tenants and gained lunch for the next few days.

I extracted the box from beneath the counter, stood and I turned to walk toward the counter when I felt certain the body-form had moved. I turned, looked upon the oven and I realized the face no longer held any plastic mold at all, but was a solid, full human male face. Bald, pale skin, bright blue eyes which stared straight ahead– no, they moved, they now looked to the center of the room.

God damn it. It moved! A bead of sweat ran down my spine and I could hear my heart in my ears. It fucking moved! The head rocked forward a bit within the confines of its enclosure. I was backing from the oven and this living thing. I have no recollection as to what happened to the Asian pastries nor even how I found my keys, but as I turned to open the front door and leave, it, he was slowly crawling from the oven, stepping onto the floor. Clothed now in a contiguous skin-tight white garment that resembled the once plastic form, his movement was very stiff, robotic, and cumbersome.

As I tore myself from the horrific sight and turned to race to my car, the woman who had helped organize the refrigerators walked in. I said nothing for I could not speak. What was she doing here? And yet it was obvious by her determination that she knew of this creature, had no fear, and had come to its aid.

I ran to my car, not looking back. It was daylight yet my body trembled as it would have in a nightmare. I opened the door via remote, jumped into the driver’s seat, and started the engine.

While it was my intent to drive from that place at top speed, something held me there, kept me from leaving, the engine running. The man who emerged from the apartment leaned heavily on the woman, his body tall and thin and less menacing than when unfolding from the oven. His skin was less pale as movement seemed to have warmed him. And the woman was obviously not afraid. My hands were shaking. The image of his eyes moving for the first time flashed inside my head over and over along with his foot reaching the ground for the
first time. Strange, fascinating, and horrifying.

I wanted to drive away, but I could not. Both of them walked directly to my car, the woman obviously concerned for others seeing this event unfold. I moved the transmission into first gear and then neutral repeatedly, but could not bring myself to engage the clutch.

The man was then leaning against my rear passenger side door, the woman fumbling for the handle while keeping him upright. They slid in and sat in the rear seat together. The door to the apartment remained open. “We didn’t expect this to happen so soon. Let’s go.” We drove away.

*     *     *

Some time later, although I am not certain when nor where, I was present at an outdoor company picnic or luncheon. The man who had emerged from my apartment oven was the focus of everyone’s attention. His hair had grown in, sand colored and curly. He was thin, like an adolescent who had grown tall disproportionately to the rest of his body, slightly over six foot.

I shook his hand and said, “You gave me a real scare that day,” to which he responded in the English of someone who is learning, “I … I am sorry.” I could not quite place his accent. A former East block country? Romanian? In the background I could hear the laughter and banter of a hundred or more picnic attendees. He smiled. I smiled. He had a warmth to his face now that was pleasant and inviting.

We walked together, a small entourage of curious individuals gathered around, pressing against each other to hear the conversation.

I then asked, “How long had you been in that … that mold?”

He smiled, looked to the ground, the sky, and then to me again, “A long time.”

“Hundre–” I knew I was way off and corrected myself, “Thousa– no,” judging by his immobile smile which said, ‘Warmer … warmer …’ but my brain hurting at the prospect,”… tens of thousands of years?”

“A very, very long time. I was not … living, technically.”

“Hibernation?”

“You could call it that,” again smiling the way a parent smiles at a child who has received an explanation which is appropriate, but intentionally incomplete.

We talked a bit longer about the transition from his home to here. My mind raced, trying to connect what little I knew about this man now, the company I worked for, the absurdity of transporting him in an oven and wondering what would have happened if I had cooked him by accident. Perhaps the mold in which he had survived so long would have protected him; a hibernation system so completely perfected –or was this body even his?

Wait, it started to make sense to me now. Something clicked.

I asked, “How does it feel to be … to be in this body of yours now? How does it differ from what you had before? Do you even remember after all this time?”

He smiled then laughed like a child, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He awkwardly darted a few paces from the crowd, standing in tall brown grass, spread his arms and looking first to his left and then to his right, he exclaimed (to everyone’s amazement, for this was his first bold expression), “I –I did not have these!”

And with that he moved them wildly, up and down while spinning in circles as a bird trying to take flight whose wings were not quite strong enough to carry the burden, yet growing stronger every day. Everyone laughed and applauded.

And then I understood. I laughed too, realizing I was part of something beautiful and historic and terribly important. His body was but a vessel and inside, a miracle that was just beginning to unfold.

© Kai Staats 2006

By |2017-04-10T11:17:49-04:00February 25th, 2006|Dreams|0 Comments

Permission to Send, part 2

hueco view hueco kai 1 hueco kai 2 hueco hand

hueco walker hueco mark hueco prairie hueco rho

When bouldering in Hueco Tanks this early fall, I discovered something profound. I was working on a problem that started with a series of heel hooks and hand-rail maneuvers, placing my body in a completely horizontal position. The crux move then, was to move from this linear position of balance and tension across the bottom of the roof to a far-reaching right-hand ledge which would cause both feet to fully cut, the left hand secure on the final extension of the original rail.

With the roof but five feet from the crash pad, it seems the swing, reach, and connection would be easily done. However, I fell short each of three or five attempts. I grew frustrated for I knew I was physically capable of doing so. The others had completed the problem. I was the last and only to have not done so. They were ready to move to the next problem. I asked, verbally, if it was ok for me to give it another few runs to which the answer was of course (in the wonderful tradition of climbing culture) a resounding yes.

One individual, whose name I forget, stood very near as I worked through the moves again, beginning to crux. And just before I attempted the move, as my hips swung once to the left to gain momentum for the release, throw, and catch, he said in a quiet voice, “Stop telling yourself you can’t do this. Just do it.”

In that instant I realized I had repeatedly fallen short by just a few inches, each time, because of what I was telling myself. I didn’t even have to convince myself I could, rather, just stop telling myself I could not. And I did.

I connected perfectly. My legs cut. My hands held, I brought up my right heal and placed it onto the same ledge which held my right hand, in a undercut hueco for which the area is famous. And a half dozen moves later I completed the problem.

When I jumped down I landed on a crash pad that sported a hand-painted butterfly. Hannah commented that it was her “send butterfly”, a reminder that she can send problems

[a climbing term meaning “to complete”]. I was the last to pack my gear, the others had already disappeared through the adjacent arch and cave formed by several large boulders.

As I walked to catch-up with them, I paid close attention to my heart rate, the speed of my breathing, and the exhilarating feeling of accomplishment that raced through my body like a self-injected drug.

And when I further considered what Hannah had stated of the butterfly, a few images and associated connections unfolded that to this day are difficult to describe. That butterfly became a simple yet effective religious-like connection with a super-natural (meaning, greater than what would otherwise be considered a part of the measurable world) animal guide. Believe in the power of the butterfly and you will send the problem. Be the butterfly. Climb.

By |2017-04-10T11:17:49-04:00January 9th, 2005|The Written|0 Comments

Permission to Send, part 1

The internal muscular, cardiovascular, emotional sensation of having completed a bouldering problem is similar to that of discovering a series of notes applied to a rhythm, the realization of music.

Both bouldering and playing piano invoke the quickening of my pulse, the warmth of my insides, the giddy sensation of connectedness, temporary expanded vision, and sudden sensation of resolution, a place in the universe. Both open me to possibility.

What if these are manifestations of the same? What if connection to a higher power is nothing more (or less) than fulfillment of need to guide one’s self, to create a path where one may not otherwise be obvious and to have the courage to follow it?

What then, if prayer to a higher power is truly granting oneself permission to recognize otherwise unseen paths and the wisdom to choose one over the other. Then proactive visualization is preparation to move as desired, a prayer to oneself that opens possibilities.

If this is true, then permission to send is a problem sent.

By |2004-10-20T20:53:23-04:00October 20th, 2004|The Written|0 Comments
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